Why Arguments only lead to 3 things…

By Jernavis Draughn

Communication is the key to the heart. We can hurt or help someone through the words we choose to use in conversations. Words are the light to the mind. Wars, relationships, ideas, companies, careers, love, understanding, purpose, vision, emotions and growth start from the utterance of a single word. The bible says we speak life and death through our tongue. Are you aware of the power of the words you use in daily conversations with others or YOURSELF? In arguments, we tend to speak before thinking when our emotions are in the driver seat. We become blinded by our state of anger or fear and we lash out to protect ourselves. Then we blame our emotions for the reason behind our hurtful words. I’ve learned that hurt people hurt PEOPLE.

We all have been in toxic relationships that tested our character to remain calm or forgive that person. Ambrose Bierce once said, “speak when you are angry, and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.” Walking away is the hardest thing to do in the state of feeling disrespected. No one is bullet proof. Words leave lasting wounds when they are not healed by the shooter. When your caught up in the rapture of love, our feelings tell us a story that the person who has consistently hurt us by their words will change. People only change for two reasons; either they learned enough that they want to change or either they hurt enough that they have too. Arguments never choose a winner; they often leave both parties feeling lost.

In the book Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patters and Joseph Grenny, explain how arguments lead to three things:

1.Win– Our goal is to win the point of view or argument. Our focus is to win the argument in any manor, even if that demands you lying to be right.

2. Punish– Our goal is to harm the other person. Our focus is to verbally assault the persons character and intentionally hurt them.

3. Keeping the Peace– Our goal is to avoid the possibility of an uncomfortable conversation. Our focus is to brush the issue under the rug to not be seen or heard. We feel uncomfortable with confrontation and hold our feelings inside.

One of the best methods to having a healthy disagreement is to practice effective communication. Where you listen first, with the intent to understand where the person is coming from. You should seek to understand then to be understood. People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care about them. To take flight or flight in an argument, are both motivated by fear. When you embody fear in an argument, you tend not to express how you truly feel to that person. The fear of expressing yourself stems from the feeling of being rejected or judged. People become defensive in arguments, when they no longer feel safe. In any argument the goal is to make the person feel safe to express themselves. Practice honest and open communication in all relationships. People will respect you more and know where you always stand on any topic. Lastly, treat people how you want to be treated through your words and actions. That’s the only way we can truly value someone is by how we treat them.

Quote of the Day: “If you don’t want to be in an argument with someone, it is probably best to try to solve the problem, rather than lying around hoping the other person will do it for you.”-E. Lockhart